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Suzy and Edith
Garage Sale - November 2002

Yet another saga in "I pray and hope that I don't turn out like my mother and grandmother... if I do, SHOOT ME" I get an email from my mom (Suzy) stating that Grandma (Edith) is having a garage sale this Wednesday and the following Wednesday and that there's a "pile" of stuff for me to go through. Grandma is moving out of her condo which currently holds the entire contents from her house in Los Angeles, a fifty year collection of shit that should have been thrown away fifty years ago. She is moving into an apartment in an assisted living facility, she needs to reduce her accumulation. I went over yesterday afternoon, anticipating a "pile" of stuff to sift through. I walk into the condo and it looks like a tornado hit. Every cabinent, closet and drawer has been emptied into the livingroom and diningroom. Knowing the anal retentive nature of Suzy and Edith, I figured that one of the many piles in front of me would be the specific pile I would be assigned to sift through. Heaven forbid my eyes wander into the pile designated for little brother, Geek! NOT!!! No, we had to walk from pile to pile as I was informed as to the contents of said pile and the soon-to-be destination of them. There was not any sort of order to this mess. There was a pile for my mom to take to her basement, but there were still items in it that needed to go into the garage sale. There was a box of frames here and another over there and yet another in the basement. She's going to sell all of them. HELLO, PUT THEM ALL IN THE GARAGE!!! So I get to take off her hands my baby photos along with my children's photos. I came across my other brother's baby photo (my derelict little brother who is currently in jail... to be released sometime this January, in case you were interested) so I said something about saving that back for him. Oh no, "as soon as he gets something he turns around and pawns it off" Ummm, yeah, there's a big market for other people's baby portraits. Geez. That frame might be worth 50. Then I was offered a wool blanket, it would be great for camping trips. EWWW! WHY would I ever want a wool blanket for anything? I said if I take that it would be for the dog. Grandma whisked that away from me and put it in one the many garage sale piles. Then she breezed over the king sized bed spread and blanket. I chime in that I happen to have a king sized bed (mattress came from HER last month) and I could USE those. "Well, is the dog going to get on them???" My mother comes to my defense and reminded Grandma of the conversation I had with them 10 minutes prior about my new livingroom furniture and how I'm keeping the dog off of it, that he's religated to the floor. "You can have them as long as the dog doesn't sleep on them" So I whip back "What the hell is the difference if I take them and my dog sleeps on them or if somebody buys them in your garage sale for their dog to sleep on them?" No answer. The highlight of the afternoon was the conversation about trinkets from Grandma's grandfather who worked at the Kansas City Zoo. Now remember the fun conversation at a Thanksgiving a few years ago where Grandma accuses Rerun (my ex) of stealing a sewer snake. She AND mom were adamant that Rerun had borrowed the thing, accusing that he must have pawned it off. When I told Rerun about the move he said to keep my eyes open for the notorious sewer snake. So anyways, Grandma brings up the osterich egg that she said she gave to my mother back when Geek was born (THIRTY YEARS AGO). My mother has the tiger and alligator teeth, but doesn't recall receiving the egg. They argued back and forth, nearly screaming at eachother. Grandma INSISTED that my mom was given the egg and that my good-for-nothing father must have pawned it off. What does this woman have about pawn shops? I'm quite sure there is a Gramma Edith collection at some pawn shop which features everything my good-for-nothing brother ever owned, the sewer snake she loaned to my good-for-nothing ex husband, and the antique egg she gave to my mother which my good-for-nothing father hawked. AUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!